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Just got fired for the same reasons that have haunted me for the past 10-15 years. Who am I?
I’m sorry if my thoughts tend to jump a bit from time.
For this internship, I moved to a different country three months ago. At first, getting fired was a shock. But I wasn't super passionate about that job anyway and that that reflected in the quality of my work. I got fired because I had too many mistakes in my hand-ins (such as spelling or formatting errors) I was not bad but not as perfect as they expected. The Big Problem here is that it reveals something I have been ignoring for the past 10-15 years. I’m absolutely shit at things I’m not passionate about and have been living a lie.
To give some context. I’m in my third try for my last exam in my bachelor’s in business psychology. If I'll fail this exam, I'm going to fail my entire degree. I’m not super passionate about my degree either. I just liked psychology a bit and though it was somewhat interesting with a chance of a good pay. Before that, I studied something else for two years because I was out of school and thought I had to study something, so I just started something out didn’t hate too much but I quit that because it couldn’t think of a job I wanted to afterwards and it interested me less and less each year. Back to topic. The reason for me failing the other two times is that I put in the hours but just to be busy not to actually learn something. I sadly learned that in school just had to appear busy and writing things down while thinking of something else and not focusing on the task. Since in my school it just mattered to appear busy and write down what the teacher said. So, I just passed school barely because there were subjects, I was good in, and they carried me through school.
Now for the devastating part. My father is autistic and has depression and only got diagnosed recently. My mother was constantly overwhelmed with raising me and caring for a husband that was more of a child than a father. Basically, I grew up with a father physically present but no father figure at all. So, I didn't have any social skills growing up because my parents didn’t have the capabilities or the time to teach me. My mother was raised extremely strict, so she did the opposite with me because she wanted me to develop myself on my own to do the opposite of what her mother did to her. All this led to me having no real friends and in hindsight being very weird and selfish. When I was 9, I realized that I don't want to be that person anymore and began to change myself drastically by observing others and how they behaved and copying them. This led to me becoming less of an outcast. This continues to this date. The thing here brings me back to something my manager said when firing me. I’m a nice person but I seem distant and lacking edges. I just try to hold back my negative opinions (because I showed them a way to strong as a kid) and don't argue with people I don't know well since I probably won't change their mind and it will only lead to them thinking bad of me if I oppose them. So, in Consequence, I seem friendly and confident, but I heard this many times over the past years. I seem distant and not authentic. I know mostly what to do but not how to do it authentic/correct. Or it shows that I’m not completely feeling what I do but rather that I do it because that’s what my logic tells me to do. That's why I was in friend groups but never truly a part of them. I was just with the people but very rarely actually a part because I was always a bit different. It is hard to describe. I was there and accepted that I was there but not the one people would say hey let’s invite him or an integral part of the group.
Now to the path I’m looking for. I was “diagnosed” with a high IQ when I was around 12 and realized I could memorize stuff I care about way quicker and better than other people. But at things I have no passion or interest in I'm actually worse than most people and even if I force myself to learn a thing my progress is still slower than the average person. This capability and being bullied all my school life lead to me wanting to be someone special and doing things out of the average. I don’t know if this just amplified it or if this is the reason, I don’t want to live an average life. As a kid, I just did unique stuff for fun. But over time my parents taught me that I should play safer and shouldn't take many risks. In Elementary school, I founded a club among my peers to guard other kids on the schoolyard that were bullied, and we patrolled the schoolyard for a couple of months. Another thing was that one of my friends got Pokémon cards for really cheap, and I had the idea that he and I opened up a shop and sold the cards with flyers and all that (I didn't see a cent. I just had a lot of fun doing it). I worked in a small startup and got to be head of HR of 30 people. All on workers were voluntary basis since we were the biggest websites in the video games niche and people just did the work for free. I started two own businesses. One was canceled after a year because my programmer and I had different opinions on where to go with the project and the other small businesses was one of those drop-shipping e-commerce shops. It was okay but nothing crazy. I managed to do some other stuff like traveling to a country I always wanted to visit like Japan and the US, I managed to get many women and some things I wanted to achieve. But in the grand scheme of things I mostly managed to achieve my things not on the traditional way but always had to find a loophole to get my achievements.
But with time and time, I lost passion for all things and just did things because other people thought they were cool and I had the mentally „ if they think it’s good I should try it maybe I’m interested in it or brings me happiness“. I have no passion for any job whatsoever. In my free time, I can find interest in learning a new thing like handstand or juggling or just acquiring new knowledge. But I mostly quit that after a month or so only the acquiring knowledge thing stays and shifts to another knowledge. Now I had to choose a job. I was looking for a job I don't hate too much and get good money from while having the chance of a good career. Yeah… I sadly had to realize that I suck at every job that I’m not passionate about. And all that's left of my interest is that I get interested in some things as I mentioned before but this is just stuff, I can't make an interesting job of it. I like to be up to date with the news and current events, and I am very well-informed if it comes to video games and stocks. (I don't game much anymore I just like being up to date. I hold a bunch of stocks and make decent money out of it). I’m a bit into nutrition and Things in general that help you to have a decent life when you’re old. But I’m not into becoming a journalist or working as a developer.
When I thought about what I wanted to do the first thing that came into my mind was to fund a startup and being my own boss. I like being in charge and being responsible and creative. The creative part is what most people told me to (my consulting Manager said that the creative jobs were the tings I was best at. For example, setting up a room with green screen for our new digital video selling concept or developing PowerPoint slides. Everything that was not just working of some checklists.). This kind of creativity not the artist kind of creativity, I think. But the Startup thing is something very risky and you can't start a start-up without an Idea. So, I keep this as a backup until I find a person with a good idea or get a good one myself. But until then, I need to find something else.
Now to the core of all of this: Therefore, I realized I have to find out who I really am and what I really like to do. the problem is that I don't know anymore who I am and how to find out what I like. Because I somewhat became the person that I learned to be over the last 10-15 years. And this was the devastating part. In my past 10-15 Years, I found out I was living a lie. I thought I conquered my social and passion problems and became a normal person that can do stuff to an adequate level even if I don't care about a job as much like most people can. The problem is I don't want to go for a dead-end job because I feel like I would waste my potential and my lifetime. I’m thankful that I live in a good country and know it’s a luxury to have this problem, but the concept of the anchoring effect hits hard. I orient myself at the top 10% because I know/think I can achieve similar results or at least follow a similar path on a smaller scale.
But I realized I have to find who I am and what is me and what is not. So, to speak in metaphors My House has a shiny façade that looks good but the groundwork for the house is built on stilts. I always just worked on the facade and hid the foundation. And now I need to work on my foundation and find out who I am and what I am passionate about. But I have the feeling that I’m too afraid to have passion because if I find what I like and suck at it or am not as good as I think I should be at it, I have no perspective at all (strong imposter syndrome here). Or I just buried it too deep. I really don't know why I can't find a single thing that would interest me.
And now I’m coming to you guys. And maybe you have some ideas. Any Idea is welcome. So what questions should I ask myself to find out what I like or how can I start to reverse or correct those unnatural changes I applied to me the past 10-15 years and become more of the natural me without being this weird kid again? Because I made the experience that if I try to change and become something new, I tend to start out with an extreme and then slowly have to level it off.
Sorry for the long and not so coherent text. If you need any more information, feel free to ask, and thank you so much for taking your time. Every piece of advice is appreciated even if is to make a pro and contra list or go see a counselor or a therapist (I tried all that already). But still thank you for taking the time to help a person you don't even know.