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Delivery notifications are convenient, but they're disturbing when you receive them by mistake.

Carl is on the way!
That was the message I received at 12:33 a.m. yesterday. I was playing Playstation while my girlfriend cooked bacon in the kitchen.
Yes, we were eating bacon in the middle of the night. She was singing a song about it, too, set to the tune of Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar On Me." The lyrics:
Late night, bacon parttayyy! (Come on, fire it up)
Late night, bacon parttayyy! (You gotta flip it up)
Bacon's hot, sticky sweet / Oh my pig, my piggy meat! Yeahh!
She was always writing mundane parody songs that ended at one verse or one chorus — sometimes after one line. This one was set to the tune of a single lyric in Nelly Furtado's "I'm Like a Bird":
I don't knowww where my phone is
Stupid, I know, but it always cracked me up.
My stomach was already rumbling when my phone dinged. We have a really small house out in a St. Louis suburb, and we have no oven fan, so the smell of bacon was everywhere. My mouth was watering.
I looked back down at the message.
Carl is on the way!
I was confused for a moment, but I came to the logical conclusion.
"Amy, you ordered pizza, too? Are you trying to make me fat so I can't cheat on you?"
She poked her head into the living room.
"Pfft, like you could ever get another woman. But no, no pizza, just bacon. Why do you ask?"
"I just got a text from some pizza place or something. 'Carl is on the way.'"
"Well, Carl is going to have to bring a pizza if he's hungry, because we only have, like, five pieces of bacon, and I'm eating at least four."
She turned back into the kitchen. I was confused, but part of that was due to the copious amounts of cannabis I'd smoked while waiting for my game to download.
I knew that the message was a simple mistake. I knew that things like this happened all the time, probably. But something was...off. I order a lot of delivery food — hey, I smoke a lot of pot — and most corporations sent texts from a five-digit number. This one was eight digits long: 8543268, and then a final digit that I didn't recognize. It was a 9, but with a vertical line through it, the sort of digit you'd see in one of those online creepy text generators.
You could chalk that up to an issue with the restaurant's delivery system, I guess, but that wasn't doing anything for my anxiety.
"Alright, bacon's done," Amy yelled from the kitchen. "You want toast? Eggs? I'm already cooking, lemme know."
I turned to respond.
"Yeah, I'll — "
My phone dinged again.
Carl is in your neighborhood and will arrive shortly!
Now I was annoyed.
"Oh, for Christ's sake," I said. "I'm going to be getting these notifications until Carl drops off that damned pizza. And now I want pizza."
Amy laughed. "Well, no pizza, only bacon. And you'll only get, like, two more messages at most. Settle down, dude, you're not really appreciating the Late Night Bacon Party experience."
"Yeah," I said. "Well, you're right, but you're also annoying, so — "
Another ding.
Carl is at your door!
"Man, Carl's fast," I said. "What delivery place texts you when the guy is there? Wouldn't he just knock?"
"Probably a COVID thing," Amy said.
The knocking started as soon as the words were out of her mouth. Three hard, almost mechanical knocks.
"Hey," Amy said, "You got your wish. There's pizza, too. Just don't let it ruin your bacon appetite. Oh, maybe the pizza will have bacon on it?"
Again, I was quite stoned, and I am the type of person who gets paranoid easily, but something in me wanted to lock the door, barricade myself in the bedroom, and keep the lights on until morning. Granted, part of me always feels that way, but something was not right.
I shook off that feeling. I wish I hadn't.
I got up, dusting crumbs off my shirt and preparing to interact with another human being, something I definitely didn't want to do that night. I looked through the window, expecting to see a middle-aged, underpaid man in a Domino's shirt.
"There's...no one here."
"Yes, there is, pothead, the fucker just knocked." Amy walked over from the kitchen, wiping her hands on an old apron she used to wear when she cooked. It didn't matter whether she was cooking something that actually required an apron — bacon isn't rocket science — she always wore it and never washed it. That always drove me crazy.
She tried to peer through the top of the door, where I was looking out at our empty porch, but she was too short.
"Oh, come on," she said, exasperated. "He's probably standing right up against the door. The poor bastard is working at midnight, don't make him stand around."
Her hand reached towards the doorknob.
"No, don't —," I sputtered, but the door was already open. Nobody was there.
"Huh," Amy said, "I guess you're not a lying idiot. You're still a regular idiot, though. Do you think he realized that —"
Another ding from my phone. I didn't look right away. Instead, I slammed the door and turned to my girlfriend.
"You shouldn't have done that," I said.
"Why?" she said, crossing her arms. "Is there a gang of satanic Domino rapists I don't know about, or are you just worried about talking to a stranger?"
"Well, the second one," I said, "But this isn't right. The number in the phone, it's, just, not normal, and the messages are too frequent. And why would a delivery driver with the wrong phone number go to the right address?"
"Okay, no more medical-grade pot for you," Amy said, rolling her eyes. "You're going back to ditch weed with me."
"Look at the numbers," I said, thrusting my phone towards her, feeling like some sort of conspiracy theorist.
She rolled her eyes again as she unlocked my phone. Then her face dropped.
"Oh, okay," she said. "Now that is freaky."
"The number's all wrong," I said, strangely excited that she was finally taking this seriously. "Like, where do you enter a 9 with a line through it on a normal phone? I have never seen that character before. It's, like, bad mojo...number. I hate that number."
"I don't give a shit about that," Amy said softly. "Look." She handed back the phone.
Carl is in your house and will arrive shortly!
My stomach dropped, but Amy was starting to laugh.
"Oh, man, someone is getting fired for this shit," she said. "I've worked in databases before — it's a database error, or a text entry error, or —"
"You didn't work with databases."
"I worked at that florist shop, and they had...spreadsheets, which are a type of database," she said sheepishly. "Anyway, dude, Carl is not in the house right now. This is just what happens when big, faceless corporations try to interact with real humans. They fuck up, scare us, and disappoint us by not bringing us surprise pizzas. So chill. Eat bacon. Drink a beer. Play your game. You are freaking out way too hard right now."
Carl is in the kitchen and will arrive shortly!
Amy grabbed the phone out of my hands, the veneer of her calmness disappearing instantaneously. Her eyes darted over the text, then to the kitchen, then back to the phone. She definitely wasn't laughing now.
We slowly walked to the kitchen together. I didn't feel great about that. I really wanted to do the whole hide-in-the-bedroom thing, but I knew that'd be a hard sell, and I definitely didn't want to leave Amy alone. As wew turned into the room, I felt a wave of relief — then panic.
There was nothing in the kitchen. I don't mean to write, "nobody was in the kitchen," I mean nothing was in the kitchen. The bacon, bread, and eggs that Amy had laid out for the late night bacon party had vanished. No sign of them whatsoever. No crumbs, nothing.
Amy looked at me with wide eyes.
"I swear, if this is one of your fucking friends trying to — "
"It's not," I said, looking slowly around the room. "I have no idea what the hell is happening right now."
This time, I didn't look at my phone. I had a pretty good idea of what the text said; Carl is in your refrigerator. If not Carl, something was in there. We heard a screeching sound, slightly muddled and contained by the fridge, then frenetic clawing, like a raccoon going through trash, but much, much faster. It was angry. Violent.
Then, almost as suddenly as it started, it stopped. Before I could grab her, Amy ran over to the fridge and threw open the door.
Nothing there. No food, no food wrappers. Not even the three-year-old box of baking soda we kept in the side door.
"We're getting the fuck out of here," Amy said. She didn't wait for me to respond; she didn't have to. I grabbed my keys from the kitchen table as we ran to the front door. As we made our way to my car, I noted how cold it was. I can't say for sure whether or not it was unseasonably cold — I rarely go outdoors at midnight in November — but it felt like I was breathing broken glass.
And maybe I was focusing too much on my breath, because I didn't notice what had happened to my keys until I tried to put them into the ignition .The key was bent at a right angle; not snapped off, which would have made more sense. It was playing with us.
I held the key up to Amy.
"What's plan B?"
"Jesus. Fuck. Okay...let me think..."
But there wasn't time for that.
Carl has arrived.
I read it. My hands were shaking, and I imagine my face was pale. Amy knew immediately. Then — and this happened so, so quickly — she doubled over, letting out an anguished shriek.
She felt it before I saw it. Her stomach — something in her stomach — was moving. Her face was pure fear, but she contorted the edges of her lips to attempt a calm smile. That was Amy. She was always the strong one.
"Honey," she said, "I love—"
And then she was screaming. The tearing sounds were animal, yet mechanical, vicious and sadistic. Blood covered my face, the dashboard, the roof. Organs and viscera. And the panic set in, ramped up, kept ramping up, until I was screaming with a cracked, inhuman voice. I kept screaming as her screams stopped, as she slumped over in the seat, as it crawled out of her. Jet black skin glistening and wet, black teeth, sharp hands. It moved quickly, jutting out a long purple tongue to lick the blood off its razor-fingers.
I didn't see any eyes, but it turned its head towards me and I knew it saw me. Its sneered a wide smile, a macabre mockery of Amy's last moments.
The panic became all-encompassing until, mercifully, everything stopped.

I woke in the morning. Well, not woke; I was suddenly there, in my car, my eyes wide open and my muscles tense. The seat next to me was ripped to shreds, but there wasn't a drop of blood anywhere. Not even on me. Later, I wondered whether the thing had crawled on me during the night, sucking each drop out of my clothes and licking my skin.
I walked inside in a daze, hoping to see Amy standing there with bed-hair and sleep in her eyes, ready to lecture me about the dangers of medical cannabis. She wasn't there, of course, but I looked everywhere, under the bed and in every closet, hoping dumbly for anything concrete that would stop the snarling sense of dread that was slowly spreading through my body like a warm cancer.
That was yesterday. Amy is not here. I know where she is, or at least where she was. And I am out of food.
I need to eat, then call the police, then call her family, then, probably, go to prison. I don't care much about any of that. Whatever happens now is unimportant. I may have gone insane and killed my girlfriend, or maybe everything happened exactly as I remembered it, but either way, I simply cannot live here anymore.
In fact, I probably can't live anywhere. I know it'll come back. I hope that it comes back for me — it's already taken everything I had — but I suspect it will wait until it sees an opportunity to twist the knife further. It likes to play with its food.
I have kept my phone off today, but I knew I couldn't put things off forever. I powered it on to call the police and saw a single unread text message:
How did Carl do? Give feedback and get free deliveries for friends and family!
submitted by morningsaystoidleon to nosleep

Biden Wants to Rejoin Iran Nuclear Deal, but It Won’t Be Easy (NY Times)

Link to original article
BRUSSELS — President-elect Joseph R. Biden Jr. has promised to move quickly to rejoin the nuclear deal with Iran so long as Iran also comes back into compliance. But that vow is easier said than done.
While Mr. Biden’s pledge pleased the deal’s other signatories, who were angry that President Trump withdrew from it two years ago, returning to the way things were may be impossible, complicated by both Iranian and American politics.
President Trump, even as a lame duck, is moving quickly to increase American sanctions against Iran and sell advanced weapons to its regional enemies, policies that would be difficult for a new president to reverse.
Last week, he asked his advisers for options to launch a military strike against Iran but appears to have been talked out of it. His aides argued that an attack could quickly lead to a larger war.
Iran, where President Hassan Rouhani faces strong opposition from conservatives in elections set for June 2021, is expected to demand a high price to return to the deal, including the immediate lifting of the punishing sanctions imposed by the Trump administration and billions of dollars in compensation for them.

Those are demands that Mr. Biden is highly unlikely to meet — especially given strong congressional opposition.
Iran’s deputy foreign minister, Abbas Araghchi, has tried to pass on to Mr. Biden’s advisers through intermediaries Tehran’s insistence that the United States return to the Iran deal unconditionally before any talks resume, according to Iranian diplomats.
The diplomats say that Iran is not interested in a temporary freeze and will not stop enriching uranium or reduce its large stockpile in the meantime. They said that Iran would return to full compliance with the deal when the United States does.
Advisers to Mr. Biden do not confirm receiving any messages from Iran and say they will only deal with the issue after the inauguration.
Iran has some leverage. When Mr. Trump took office, Iran had roughly 102 kilograms, or about 225 pounds, of enriched uranium, whose production was limited by the 2015 agreement. After the United States withdrew, Iran declared it was no longer bound by the agreement and resumed enriching uranium at higher levels.
The International Atomic Energy Agency said last week that Iran now had more than 2,440 kilograms, which is more than eight times the limit set by the 2015 nuclear deal. The “breakout” time for Iran to possibly make a nuclear weapon — an ambition it denies — is now considerably shorter than a year.
During the campaign, Mr. Biden called Mr. Trump’s decision to abandon the deal “reckless,” and said it ended up isolating the United States, not Iran.

“I will offer Tehran a credible path back to diplomacy,” Mr. Biden wrote in a September op-ed for CNN. “If Iran returns to strict compliance with the nuclear deal, the United States would rejoin the agreement as a starting point for follow-on negotiations.”
A week ago, after Mr. Biden’s victory, Mr. Rouhani welcomed the initiative, calling it “an opportunity” for the United States “to compensate for its previous mistakes and return to the path of adherence to international commitments.”
The choice of the word “compensate” was not accidental, said Robert Einhorn, a nuclear arms-control negotiator now at the Brookings Institution. Iran says it wants Washington to pay for the billions of dollars in economic losses it incurred when Mr. Trump pulled the United States out of the Iran deal in 2018 and reinstituted sanctions that it had lifted.
Since then, Mr. Trump has piled on more sanctions. This maximum pressure campaign, as the administration has called it, devastated Iran’s economy but failed to push Iran back to the negotiating table or to curtail its involvement in Iraq, Syria or Lebanon.
The administration is also trying to further limit Iran’s support for proxy militias in those countries. It is selling more sophisticated weapons to the Arab monarchies in the Persian Gulf — countries that see Iran as an enemy and have their own regional ambitions — and accelerating the transfer of F-35 fighter jets to the United Arab Emirates.
Some think Mr. Trump will take more kinetic measures, including further sabotage and cyberattacks on Iran’s nuclear or missile programs or even military action, which Israel, Egypt and the Gulf allies would most likely support.
“I don’t think the administration is finished on the Iran issue,” said Mark Dubowitz, chief executive of the Foundation for Defense of Democracies and a longstanding supporter of a tough policy on Iran. “I think people are going to run hard for the next three months against Iran, knowing that after January there could be a very different Iran policy in place.”
Iranian negotiators know that the United States would never provide financial compensation, Mr. Einhorn said. “But they may stake out a tough negotiating position, especially given the dynamics of their upcoming election.” He suggested that Iran would demand not just the removal of the nuclear-related sanctions, but also those imposed for human rights violations, ballistic missile development and support for terrorist groups, which a Biden administration would find politically and technically difficult to do.
Short of a quick re-entry into the nuclear deal, Mr. Einhorn said, the parties should work toward an interim agreement, in which Iran would roll back a meaningful part of its current nuclear buildup in exchange for partial sanctions relief — especially giving Iran access to some of its oil revenues now blocked in overseas bank accounts. Iran might welcome such an interim arrangement if it gave the economy a quick boost, especially before the mid-June elections.
But given the complications of the American transition of power, with the requirements for security clearances and Senate confirmation already slowed by Mr. Trump’s refusal to concede defeat and cooperate with Mr. Biden, top officials might not be in place very soon. The practical window between inauguration on Jan. 20 and June is likely to be only two or three months, which argues for a rapidly constructed “back channel” between Washington and Tehran after Mr. Biden takes office.
Despite Mr. Trump’s pressure campaign, Iran’s supreme leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, has kept the door open to an American return, refusing to completely abandon the nuclear deal, said Ellie Geranmayeh, an Iran expert with the European Council on Foreign Relations.
Iranians opposed to the initial deal argue that the United States has proved it cannot be trusted, and Iran rejected any negotiations with Mr. Trump. But Ayatollah Khamenei provided Mr. Rouhani “the green light, the political space to make these messages to a Biden administration” about Iran’s desire for Washington to return to the deal, Ms. Geranmayeh said.

At the same time, she noted, Mr. Rouhani’s hard-line opponents will not want him “to get this win before the elections in June, and they will look to jam this effort as the Republicans will try to jam Biden’s,” she said. Mr. Biden could quickly lift a number of sanctions tied to Iran’s nuclear activities, including approving more waivers allowing Iran to sell oil. He could ease travel restrictions on Iranian citizens, increase humanitarian trade by easing banking impediments and lift sanctions on some key officials, like Foreign Minister Mohammad Javad Zarif, the main nuclear negotiator.
But sanctions instituted under the category of counterterrorism and human rights, like those against the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps, would be harder to void, especially since many Democrats also support them. But Ms. Geranmayeh said that Iran would insist that the United States lift the sanction against the Central Bank of Iran, accused of financing designated terrorist groups, so that it can once again use the global banking system.
If the Iran deal can be reconstituted, Iran has said it is open to talks on other issues, especially regional concerns around Iraq and Syria. But Iran has so far refused to put on the table its missile program, which is already under separate American and United Nations sanctions.
The key, as with all major policies in Iran, is Ayatollah Khamenei, now 81. He regards America as a doomed country in “political, civil and moral decline.” He went along with the nuclear deal because it promised significant economic benefits from the lifting of sanctions, and now apparently regards his skepticism about the United States as confirmed by Mr. Trump’s withdrawal from the pact.
But with the change in American leadership, he again sees the possibility of easing the economic straitjacket that renewed American sanctions have imposed.
“Despite Khamenei’s hubris, a Biden presidency presents both an opportunity and a challenge for Tehran,” Karim Sadjadpour of the Carnegie Endowment wrote. “The opportunity is a chance to improve the country’s moribund economy; the challenge is that Tehran will no longer be able to effectively use President Donald Trump as a pretext or distraction for its domestic repression, economic failures and regional aggression.”
submitted by 100gamer5 to geopolitics

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